Am I useless?

Ada waktu, we will felt like 'we good for nothing'.

Talk to my husband, that I'm so sorry. 

He. who actually feed me, give me place to stay, medicate me when I'm in need, give me time to speak, give me plenty of jokes when I couldn't help to just smile and laugh out loud, sediakan pakaian yang lengkap, money provider, no scratch found since the day one I've becoming his wife.

I do understand my body is not possible to work more than I can, macam sebelum ni.

I felt sorry for myself for not having the energy that I should have on the age of 30s. But I felt sorry for my baby too, since my baby have to listen to all the arguments that I made to just make me feel good, emosi yang berkecamuk, the hardest crying part, anxiety short breath, I even listen to rock musics to put myself out of my own world (Astaghfirullahhalazim). 

The nurses that taking care of me, always remind me to be just happy. 'its a process, let's just make a good progress' 

How can I not adore these people, you tell me. 

Sejak nak jadi seorang ibu, emosi aku makin melampau ya. I even marah to my husband on the smallest thing like, jatuh barang pun boleh membebel yg melampau. 

And I know, he is sad. How I saw he tried everything just to soothe his mood and his heart. masyaAllah. May Allah grant you the very best blessed dear husband. 

I've tried my best to just smile, everyday. I even cry when he is not around, so he worry nothing. Tapi selalunya kecundang. 

Am I helpless? Or even useless? 

I trust Allah's way. Semoga berkah yang dilimpahkan ini, berterusan bersama nikmat dan redha Allah. 

#6monthstogo

Ada duka dalam tawa.

Ada beribu perkara yang tak sudah bila disingkap. 

Ruang yang paling dalam pun belum tentu senyumnya jadi mudah, mungkin hanya indah di madah. 

Oh Allah.

I know you're near and never leave. I know my forever love won't betray me, and I know the love is You. 

Rabb, I wrote this just to make sure my heart is still in the right path. Rabb, I just want to tell you the truth, and I know you're already knew this from the beginning. 

I couldn't help my tears. Couldn't stop. Not til I hear your Athan, call me to pray. There's unfinished business. Clinging and wander around. I miss my dad, i miss my mother. Other than pray, show me the right way to express this feelings. Lord, please help me. I am seriously need ways to fix this.

Couldn't express this and I don't know why.

"Ya Allah, sungguh pun Kau tahu rasa perih ini, aku akui aku tetap tak berdaya menanggung urusan rindu yang tak sudah. Kau satukanlah kami semua disebuah tempat yang terbaik buat kami. Tidak terkira barakah yang kau berikan. Tidak terkira berkah yang dilimpahkan. Namun aku tetap lemah berdosa. Pandanglah kami Ya Rahim. Pandanglah kami Ya Allah. Ya Ghaffur, Satukanlah kami, hati2 yang sedang menanggung urusan yang tak berkesudahan ini, Amin". 

What I think about you?

I always tell myself, don't get so sure, don't easily attach to anybody that meant to be nobody to me. But this time, i would just say, you are mine. You were, always, and will be. I think, I want to keep you forever. If forever means til heaven, so let's go to heaven together. Will we? I am practically obsessed on you and our love. I don't even know where does this feelings came from. But I could say, this feelings are so sweet and strong. Well I know, one day, everybody will know that I'm the one who proposed you, but still, I don't care. You mean the whole world to me. Haven't got a chance to tell you this. But if one day you read this.. Here a short pitch. 

Dear A, I want to be your last. I may not be pretty, but I can be hundred percent honest on us. I may not be as decent as angels, but I can be your favorite melody. I may not be physically rich, but I can always pour you love. If you ask me why do I love you so much.. I can only say the only thought that I still hold onto. "Love always win" 

10. 04. 2021 

I wrote this on 10th April. But still couldn't share this to you. 🤣 Okay, catch up later! 

Impian

Cuba intai,

kau sosok yang terpaling aku nanti. 

Hari ke hari,

malam bertukar kembali ke senja yang baru. 

Lena aku semakin enak, tidak sepi, 

Makan aku lebih dari biasa, 

Waktu aku sendiri juga semakin luput. 

Ada beberapa waktu, 

aku layar akan takut hilangnya kita. 

Pandang memori, 

jarak memang pemisah. 

Aku sukar yakin akan jarak dan rasa untuk bersatu. 

Tapi aku tahu, yakin aku dalam doa butuh ikhlas, pasti rasanya juga kuat.

Aku yakin akan kita. 

Jika ada simpang yang perlu kita berhenti, jalani saja.. pasti dihujungnya tetap bahagia. Dan terus terusan doa, supaya dihujungnya tetap kita.

Benar, 

kau, 

sebuah impan. 

How my days without you?

I never tell you that I like the way you treated me back then. I never tell you how funny you are, with your bad jokes. 

I never tell you that my battery always drowning flat whenever you're spent your 24hours just to check on me. I never tell you that I always look for your updates every minutes. 

I never tell you that I'm jealous to know your cats, linger around you and not me who lingering. I never tell you that I always stay up late just to check whether you sleep tight or having a fright. 

I never tell you that..... 

I miss you.

Beberapa waktu yang terluang.

Aku barangkali lebih ramah dengan minda, tapi tidak bersama manusia.

Kira aku, waktu yang terluang, jika aku pulangkan, aku jadi rugi. Miskin rasa. Rasa yang boleh dikata sayang sayang. Riang riang, penuhi ruang. 

Sulit untuk aku terang, luah yang tak terwujud dalam mana pun cerita. 

Aku perlu pamit akan rasa, tapi jiwa aku sudah juang sampai penuh cinta. Ah, bagaimana caranya ya.. Sulit.